HOLDING ON TO HER

She was all fair & lovely, beautiful dark eyes and… Everything about her was just so angelic! Well now, when I try to recall her face… I don’t even know if the face I see when I close my eyes is hers or is it simply a face I created in my mind. All I remember about her is may be from what I have written in my blog and of course later, read many, many times. Though now it seems perfectly obvious that it is impossible to remember a face in only in a few momentary glances… but back that night, on that bus, I felt her face will never leave my mind and I will remember her for my life. But then, it didn’t happen.

So now I curse myself for not staring at her a little longer, for not talking to her more than just a few introductory words, for not asking her even her name, leave aside exchanging phone nos. I curse myself for not going on that bus stand the next week or any time again, because I was scared of dealing with her absence.

Now I feel that it was not meant to be just a small unforgettable incident. Don’t know if I feel this because I recently watched the beautiful movie, ‘Serendipity’, or because of the fact that she was the only girl who not only touched my heart but also filled it with her self. She has been a huge reason that since her I have no posts on my blog. I think she has been irreplaceable and I have been invariably comparing all other girls with her whereby they fail to conquer over her and also, or so, over my heart.

I have not written this article to get her or to get to her, though I have to admit that I do wish that something like this happens. I don’t think that it would be impossible to live without her or that I would not find love now onwards. But she surely would make my heart congested. I don’t want to wonder the rest of my life about ‘what would have happened if…’ kind of a thing. I don’t want to regret not holding on to her. Therefore, once in a while I let myself swirl in the convolution of her thoughts and memories. It is like travelling a childhood road after many years and trying to find things that you could recognize and feel them once again as if reliving as the child you once were.

Even though I don’t remember the visuals of the incident very well, I do experience the feelings on that night when I try to recall her. Even now I get the churning in my stomach, the excitement and the possessed feeling when I try to reorganise her face in my mind. I think, cherishing her remnant memories is the immensely satisfying feeling as like admiring an ‘Eiffel Tower’ or a ‘Taj Mahal’.

I think that with the passage of time she would skirt into the distant memories and would dissolve into a pleasant memorabilia. But I don’t want her to be just in my mind consuming a finite number of brain cells. I need her to be in my life, be my life. I never thought I will get so consumed with any person. My blog was just meant to appreciate beauty and not to fall in love with any person. But love happen to me, unknowingly. Its crazy falling in love with somebody you hardly know anything about. But I hope I don’t keep holding on to her so tightly that she feels I have clawed into her. All I want is to get with her or get over with her. Hopefully, after penning down my feelings, I can make some space in my heart for some one as special or nearly as special like the peri, the inamorata of ‘the beauty & the bus’.

After the ‘The beauty & the bus’ post on my blog, I befriended a friend of hers; a guy; really warm and welcoming. Though he refrained from even sharing her name with me, he did let me know that today; the Twelfth of December is her birthday. So I would like her to have this memoir as a birthday gift from an admirer, a lover and a friend named Tanmay.

Some people are meant to be together. Hope both of us find the perfect match.

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